How creative can my low self-esteem go

Ok, it is one of those posts that originally had a different beginning. Just a few moments ago I started to write a very angry and pitiful blog post. I caught myself in a moment of a very hard core low self-esteem. At one point I was thinking how I deserve every bad thing happening to me and actually (listen to this, it’s awesome) was in a state of kinda wanting my camera to break so I could leave photography for ever. That’s how low I can go. Love the rhyme, by the way. Or, the other night a friend proposed a possibility of me shooting one event. Boy, I got into panicking and immediately started to think how bad I am with photography, how people there will look at me and think how fat and ugly I am. I am telling you, I get more creative each day. It takes a lifetime to start feeling the way I feel. All my life I have lived in the shadow. I am not saying I haven’t had a good social life, I had, but always have been the second person. I am not blaming anyone, by all means. Introverted teenager became an introverted woman. If you read my about me page, those are the trials I face almost every day. I have faith and hope in God that He will change me and make me a lot more happier person. I try to break through my borders but sometimes I just back down. I have taken risks in my life but very rarely. Haha. I am such a safe zone player that it’s almost hilarious. I would never go on a blind date. Not because of a fear that I wouldn’t like him but quite the opposite, that he wouldn’t like me. Woohoo! I mean, that’s just an example. Blind dates are not my thing, anyway. But, you get the picture. Then, there are issues I have with the way I look when I really should be thankful I have all the limbs and health. Then, until recently I didn’t like to smile in front of people because I thought I didn’t have a pretty smile and I always smiled with the phoniest expression ever covering my face with my hands. Yep, I thought I was ugly when I smile. You can check it out, there are only 2 photos where you can see my grin smile on the internet. Photos that I took. The thing is, I know I’m beautiful the way I am. Not saying this in the stuck up kind of way but in the way every human being should think of themselves as. I just still haven’t figured that out to the fullest. I am working on that. So hard. I am learning to be thankful for every imperfection on my face there is. I am learning how to love my semi crooked teeth, many many beauty marks and moles on my face and my hooded eyes. I have to learn to always be thankful for having something to eat with rather than to have a Hollywood smile, to love my chubby arms and legs so I can walk and give a hug. I have to learn to be thankful for the gift of photography God wanted me to have. When I look back, I really had so many benefits from it. Now, at the end of this post I really feel more thankful. I knew it there was a reason for the season when it comes to this late night writings. I hope we all realize how beautiful and special and handsome and majestic each and every one of us is. I hope God gives you the courage to peruse your good dreams and strength to break the chains of insecurity and feelings of not being good enough. Because, you are good and you are more than enough. Haha, did that sound right? Well, I had good intentions. Reader, you rock! Look back on your life, forget the bad and be thankful for all the good things God provided you with. May He bless your blogger-ish or reader-ish soul, and good night! ^^

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  1. Reply

    Anna

    February 7, 2012

    Great blog! very inspiring :)

  2. Reply

    Bree

    February 7, 2012

    I’ve been “quietly following” you for a while but I just love this post because I can relate to it quite a bit so I thought I’d finally leave you a comment! And I for one, adore your photos, your blog (it inspires me) and I honestly think you’re gorgeous :) Have a lovely day!

    Bree [theharrowingof.blogspot.com]

  3. Reply

    photography by anika alonzo

    February 7, 2012

    Sweety, you are stunning, talented, intelligent and witty and absolutely beautiful! And you should be my best friend. I do the same thing…

  4. Reply

    Erin Madsen Photography

    February 9, 2012

    We all have those days. It’s the good things in-between that are special. For instance, I just had to drop out of art school because my depression and anxiety were getting so bad that I could have done something I regret, I have no steady job (I’m working as a sub in the local school distric), and I live with my fiance’s grandmother because neither of us can afford an apartment. But today I found $50 that I decided to spend on myself. It felt really good! So when you feel that way, make a list of the small good things. It helps.

  5. Reply

    corinne boutin

    February 10, 2012

    Ines, once again your post hits close to home! :) Your inspiration passes on to others, and your photos, your photos, are stunning. And the best part? Their yours! I like Erin’s advice to make a list of the good things that make you happy or the things you have to be thankful for despite feeling so down. I think I’ll take this advice, too. :)

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