365 – CHANGES NEEDED

Like most girls in this world, I’m insecure up to a certain degree. I think everyone holds a bit of insecurity. Even just a tiny tiny little bit. But me? I am insecure about almost everything. Haha. You bet I am.
The thing I’m mostly insecure is my body. Like, I know I have a problem with weight and that is why I rarely post photos of me from head to toe. I definitely count as an obese person (according to the BMI). I’ve been struggling with it my whole life because since I can remember I’ve been a chubby kid. Not once in my life was I thin. Not once. One time I was very close. That was a year before college. But, then I went to live on my own and it all went back. Not even going to tell you what was my highest weight but since then I’ve lost around 30 pounds. And now I’m stuck with it. By stuck I mean I have no motivation, lack of activity and don’t really watch what I eat. I don’t know why I can’t make myself to do something. Why am I so lazy? I try, then it lasts for a month or so and then I go back to my old ways. Another problem is that I keep blaming myself for the years passed and wishing I did something about it that would make my life easier now. Or non-stop over thinking of why wasn’t I one of those thin people who don’t have a weight issue. Why do I have to struggle with it for 27 years now.
I am not saying my happiness depends on my weight or that I’m depressed but it sure effects my self-esteem. Sometimes, I think people think less of me because of the way I look or how they, because of my weight, seem superior to me.  Considering me being utterly self concious and shy from time to time I think they are superior to me and that my personality doesn’t count what so ever.

Sometimes, all I do is spending time in front of the computer and waste my life. I am not saying blogging is a waste of time but sometimes, you just loose hours and hours on stupid You Tube or Facebook doing nothing. Just starring in the screen. If I only worked out 15 minutes a day, it would make a change. But no, browsing You Tube is way more easier.
Or, if only I worked on my thesis an hour a day I would be safe with a masters degree in my hands already. But no, You Tube is more easier. I see and am aware of the waste of time by going down the easy path. And then I look back on the wasted days and just feel disgusted with myself. I am letting me and the people who trust in me down.
Photography is good but I feel as I’m concentrating more on it than on the things that matter the most at the moment. By that, I mean my thesis and my health. It is so much easier to go out, shoot something and then spend hours post-processing. Yes, it is relaxing and me doing what I love but, that too could be a waste of time, especially with the still unwritten thesis cloud over my head.
I can’t even jump that high, because I am that out of shape. For this shot I was jumping over and over and after a few minutes I was exhausted and totally loosing my breath. My heart was pounding and I started to feel as if my blood is boiling. Yes, THAT out of shape.
Makeup is another thing that keeps me away from the important things. Yes, I could work out and write my thesis. But no, watching makeup tutorials on You Tube is easier. Pardon my But no, You Tube … repeating pattern. Just trying to be a witty writer. Fail.

At the end of the day, I know who I am, who I don’t want to be and who I might be. I don’ wanna be hiding behind all of this weight. If I do, I still don’t wanna be a person who thinks less of herself because of it. I don’t wanna be the person who lets down herself and her parents by still not finishing this last university step. Like, I don’t have any exams to finish, I only have a thesis to write. No pressure, no nothing. Just research and writing. I don’t wanna be that person who sticks around her parents’ house by the time she’s 40 and still no job. I wanna find a job and move out within the next 6 months. Not because being home is bad. Au contraire, being home actually feels too good and while being that way it is bad for me. Being home and still eating my parents’ food is keeping me away from the real life. My parents are too good and I know it. And I take advantage of it.
Then, the weight issue. How to get and stay motivated? Like how? Do you guys have any advice in that area? I can only last a month and then I slowly start to go back to my old eating and living habits. But, the process is not that hard, once you are living with it over some period of time. There are times when I think to myself how easy it is and how I don’t want to go back to my old ways. And then something happens and I in second I’m 6 pounds heavier. Jesus, take away my laziness. Life would be so much easier. I trust in Your power and love.

God bless, guys. Sorry for such a long post. You can always just look at the photos which are oh-so-gorgeous. -_-

*wink wink*

YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE

  1. Reply

    Maria Ritinha

    October 6, 2012

    I was also a chubby kid. I ate a lot and spend most of my days watching tv. But then my parents decided to put me in some sports, like swimming. And then I started playing other sports with my friends at school. And some more outside school. It was growing in me. Now, I’m in love with sports. I’m not super thin, because I have big bones but I’m healthy and I feel good about my body. So I understand how you feel and how hard it is to start changing “you”.
    I also have a lot of friends that didn’t do anything and were unhappy with themselfs. I start helping them with some simple exercices to do at home, like in the morning or at the end of the day, you choose. After that, start doing long walks and later try running. I suggest you do this with a friend because it’s important for motivation. When you don’t feel like taking your pyjamas your friend will encourage to go out and do something and the other way around when she/he doesn’t want to run. Somewhere along the way you will start enjoying the feeling you have after the exercice. Exhausted but with the feeling of a job well done. You’ll see a difference not only in your body but also in your head. It was a plan very successful with my “lazy” friends. Believe in yourself. You can do it! I believe in you! And I’m sure a lot of your friends and family do to ;)
    Kiss*
    (sorry if I did some mystakes. My english it’s out of shape :P)

    • Reply

      Ines Perkovic

      October 8, 2012

      Thank you so much for your comment! I wish I was one of your friends so you could get me into order. Hehe.

  2. Reply

    alwaysdevoted

    October 7, 2012

    Maybe you need to stop focusing on your weight as a problem and stop eating yourself out. Becoming thin won’t change who you are and it won’t fix all of the problems. Also fixing on all of your failures – wont help with motivation. It will only make you feel more depressed. Just admit that certain things are in the past and leave them there. Look on the future. And Do sth in this exact moment.Don’t leave it for tomorrow.

    Also you are BEAUTIFUL. On inside and out. That’s what counts.

    The most important thing here – is to set your priorities straight. Focus on the fact that you want, NEED to be healthy. Make a decision, set a goal that is achievable. Start with baby steps. Tell yourself that you need to do sports at least 3 times a week. Make a plan when you can do it with exact time and date! Sign up for something with smb – i used to not be into sports, but i signed up for swimming with my sister and i go swimming 1 per week. It’s not much and i hate working out – but its something. I hate getting up in the morning and on so many occasions i DONT wanna go but i just somehow make myself do it. Maybe whats helping here is that i’m trying to make a point to my sister xD

    Also the whole thesis thing. DUDE! I FEEL YOU. I think thats how human people are made. We tend to procrastinate. A LOT. Especially in this age where there are so many things around us – with internet -_- I don’t know how to help you here really. I basically always wait till the last minute to start learning for exams and then i curse myself because i wish i could have started earlier. The fix key to every procrastination – is a deadline. And Planning. Make yourself do sth at least 1 hour per day would be awesome – because afterward you will have a feeling of accomplishment. How to achieve that 1 hour? NO IDEA. MAybe the fact that you only have this Master thesis to do – is not helping you here. Usually the more busier people are – the more stuff they get done. So maybe you could check a part time job or make some photoshoots and organise your timetable so you get sth done for master?

    Try focusing not on quick fixes. But on good stuff. Make sure you eat healthy. That you work out. Be nice to yourself once you get these things done – buy yourself a present or make sth nice for you. If you find yourself loosing your motivation and going back – DONT EAT YOURSELF OUT. Just start again! After all – we are all human.

    i hope i could at least motivate you with my words!
    all the best luck with your adventures ;*

    • Reply

      Ines Perkovic

      October 8, 2012

      I think you are SOOOO RIGHT! Yes, the more busy I am the more work I get to do. Right now I only have thesis to do and I always keep prolonging it. Must stop it.

      Thank you <3

  3. Reply

    Asja

    October 7, 2012

    Mislim da su ljudi često skloni, ako se stvari ne odvijaju onako kako vjeruju da bi se trebale odvijati, okrivljavati sami sebe, vrijeđati se, govoriti si da su lijeni itd itd… što nikako ne pomaže samo produbljuje problem. Osobno , mislim da možda ne bi bilo loše da probaš sagledati stvari iz druge perspektive. Ako ne osjećaš motivaciju da završiš diplomski, vjerojatno postoji razlog za to, a nije tvoja lijenost ili indolencija. Mislim da i sama znaš kakvo je trenutno stanje na tržištu rada i kakvi su uvjeti rada i postoji realna mogučnost da , kad bi i ovaj tren imala diplomu u džepu ne bi mogla još neko vrijeme naći posao. (ne govorim ti to da te zbediram ili obeshrabrim, samo govorim iz iskustva) Možda nije tako strašno da još malo odugovlačiš s diplomom dok se situacija bar malo ne popravi. Možda podsvjesno osjećaš da posao koji ti je namijenjen još nije tu itd itd. Znam samo da je bitno da se ni za što ne okrivljuješ i da s i ne predbacuješ nedostatk motivacije jer tako ćeš je imati još samo manje…
    Što se tiče dijeta i mršavljenja- prijatelj mi je jednom rekao da je najbrži način za mršavljenje preskakanje užeta jer sagorijeva puno kalorija, 4 puta više nego trčanje. I pomaže piti puno, puno vode i piti nekakv diuretik tipa zelenog čaja koji će onda tu vodu, skupa s toksinima izbaciti van. A kad izgubiš višak vode iz tijela odmah se osjećaš lakše i bolje i vitalnije i to ti da motivaciju da se zdravije hraniš/vježbaš.

    • Reply

      Ines Perkovic

      October 8, 2012

      Već sam urgirala kod sestrične (12 god.) da pogleda jel ima svoje uže za preskakanje :D Totalno si mi dala ideju sada. Mislim da je kod mene problem što ja ne mogu postepeno već ja bi odmah 5 sati preskakivala uže. Jednostavno mislim da se 5 minuta svaki dan (u početku) ne isplati..a realno, više ne mogu. Tj. nisam ni probala, ali pretpostavljam. Znam da je svaki početak težak i da ću morat po malo raditi da dođem do neke konstante koja će davat super rezultate. Eh. Ja.

      Hvala ti puno za ideju. Ne znam bi li se sama sjetila.

  4. Reply

    Asja

    October 7, 2012

    I naravno, zaboravih reći…fotke su prelijepe!! A i ti isto!

    • Reply

      Ines Perkovic

      October 8, 2012

      ^^ Hvala ti.

  5. Reply

    nabilah saraf

    October 7, 2012

    I have problems on finishing my thesis too. Writing part is sucks rightt! I know how you feel. Well i am taking a break from it by working as a barista. And i feel more ‘light’. Take your time as much as you need. I am a firm believer that everything had happened is for a reason. So cherish your moment :)

    • Reply

      Ines Perkovic

      October 8, 2012

      I believe everything happens for a reason but in my case I can not use it as an excuse any longer. Simply have to roll up my sleeves. And work work work on it.

      Good luck with yours, too!

  6. Reply

    Urška

    October 9, 2012

    I can totally understand you. All we need is just a little push. Support, motivation and realization it’s we who have the power to change our lives. Find a friend to join in activity (turn on someone who does or likes to do sports), make to do lists and award yourself afterward for fulfilling them, limit time you spend on youtube or make some goals out of it, after taking actions talk about your progress on your blog and I’m sure you’ll get some more support and thus motivation. And most importantly believe in yourself because you’re wonderfull and talented! :)

  7. Reply

    Alyssa

    October 10, 2012

    Dear Ines, you have no reason to be insecure about anything!! I know these are just words, and maybe you don’t believe them, but they are true :) I get the struggle with insecurity, I am the same, insecure about almost everything. I know it’s really hard, but you’ve got to let go of negative thoughts and start thinking positive! It sounds simpler than it is in reality, but it’s a very very good start!

    I believe changing your lifestyle is one of the hardest things to do, and it takes more time than you’d want, which sucks! Even if you start with very small amounts of improvements, it’s going to start the process of change :) Even if it’s just 10 minutes of exercise a day, or one less thing you eat during a day. I have noticed with myself, once you start exercising & the more you do it, the more you’re going to like it & like the way it makes you feel. That’s what I’ve noticed :)

    My comment now feels like a blur of useless words, but I hope you get what I’m trying to say! :) XO

LEAVE A COMMENT