SOMETHING TO LOOK BACK ON

Sometimes, I act as if I know all the answers, trying to be supportive, not letting anyone see the ugly stuff. I want to be that happy ray of sunshine for everyone who is reading this blog but, the ugly is always somewhere there … behind … peeking through. This post is not a hopeless moment rather something to look back on when things get better. And they will. Because, God. Hello? Yes, yes, keeping my spirits up about that, never wanna fail. But right now, I’m taking the right to write this things, to make myself feel better. To say I’ve been pretty sad in the last few weeks. Not hopeless and not depressed. Just sad, confused and impatient. There is a big difference. Because sadness, confusion and impatience are liveable and easier when you’ve got faith. I trust God and I know He knows best for my life. I am going through those foggy weather parts of life when you just can’t really see what is about to happen next. Yes, from the professional point of view I’ll finish the university and get a job. But, everything else just sits in the air. I know we are not suppose to know everything because maybe what we don’t like now doesn’t really mean we ain’t gonna like it in the future. I am such a work in progress. Under construction. Planner known but the actual plan still hidden.
Like, for example – love life. I want to refrain from calling it love life because it sounds as if I’m supposed to have as much of those relationships for them to be fitted into the statistic of And what about your love life? But, it is love and this is my life. My love life is and will always have a definition of one man for the rest of my life. Because, if I stick my heart to so many other hearts, that will result in running out of glue in the end. Or will dry out. Being all over the place extra metaphoric but I am that kind of girl who likes such comparisons  while being all Dude, that is so deep! 
Now, back to where I was. I know there is someone there for me. I still don’t know whether there is a soulmate for me or we just choose for ourselves and make the best of it, with a lot of help and blessing from above. I’ve written so much stuff on the topic and I’ve noticed the pattern of married/soon to be girls who advised me not to worry because the boy will come when I stop looking. Yes, that is a way out of this semi sadness and impatience. But, how to set your mind to it? How to stop looking? How to stop thinking about it, dreaming, planning (have you seen my Pinterest?)? Yes, in my mind I am peaceful about finding him one day, there is no worry there. He will come. My question is, how do you know you let go and just doing your thang? Even if I get a job and start thinking about other things, I just know my mind will be semi set to meeting the boy. Maybe, in some weird way I think I could somehow “cheat” God by doing the not interested in meeting the guy at all stunt act and then He will be all like Oh, good. She is not suspecting now. Time to introduce her to the boy. But, He knows better. He knows it all. I mean, He has been finding girls their husbands since forever. And, if the pair trusts Him, they could have a blast during their lifetime, despite of all the rough times.
I just wanna let go of everything. And, I keep saying that to myself a lot and want to believe it. It is not as if I can not live on my own and desperately want a husband. NO! I want someone because I think have extra love to give and somehow I feel I am ready to. But, I guess God wants me to share the love with the people who are in my life now. Which I often fail. Maybe I am not ready to start such romantic journey yet. Maybe, the boy is waiting for me to get to that place, to collect more of that love, to be fully committed. To him and to the people who have been around me forever. Because, even though the wish and dreams for a new house are there, doesn’t mean we still have the right tools to actually build it. I am aware of that. That is why I said I am a work in progress.
It is actually funny how I don’t even get to like someone more than the rest, even if it isn’t the boy. Yes, I do notice cute guys but, in a way, as if I’m protected from meeting and liking the guys who are not for me. Yes, you might say that is boring but somehow I feel very blessed because of it. Maybe some heart broken girl would love to be in my shoes now, trade places.
It is amazing how writing about love, future and God just transforms this gloomy post beginning, where I just wanted to show how sad I am….to this positive and laughing at myself moment. Actually, I am not laughing at myself but at the silliness of a girl’s heart. And mine was pretty much saved from all the drama, throughout the years.
In the end, yes, I am impatient. I think the boy should appear just now. I think we should marry tomorrow. And that is the way I will hope every day until I meet him. With the help of God, I came a long way, from total misery of not knowing if God wants me to be a married woman in the first place, to this hopeful person who just knows the boy exists and breaths at this exact moment. And that is super cool. I will hope everyday. But, I will not stress about it. I’ve learned that lesson long time ago. I will keep the wish of finding him one day. But, until I collect all the tools, God bless and good night. Love you. Remember, God is always a way out. And the best glue between two people, the Creator of Love, Christ Himself. Muah.

EDIT: I don’t want this to turn out to be as if I’m sad because I don’t have a boyfriend. I mean, yes, there is some truth to it but overall, stuff has been happening that aren’t all that fairytale pleasant. Since I write about boys a lot, I thought I should continue. That, by all means, does not mean this is all I think about. But, since I dug under the surface, why not continue, eh? =)

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