Changes. Metaphorically and literally. Autumn is in full bloom, everyone’s favourite foliage is all around us. Days are getting shorter and more hazy (much to my delight). Somehow, I’ve always known – autumn is the season for changes. I’ve written that down (and online) so many times. I was right as I’m about to make the biggest change of my life. But, let’s start from the beginning.
I’ve never been a brave enough person, one who would knock down the walls to achieve something her heart truly desired. There have been not too many situations in life where I didn’t feel self-pressured to choose a certain path. For example, I love history and I studied it. However, when I was to choose my graduate module, I was too afraid to choose a scientific/research one because finding a job in the future is kind of blurry. Instead, I chose a teaching module. With the help of God, I got my master’s in it. But, I remember only enjoying the history courses, never the pedagogy ones. Not one. I’ve never wanted to teach. I’ve only wanted to research and love history.
When I left university, trying to get a teaching job was something it was expected for me to do. I got a few jobs but not once did I left off for work truly happy to do so. Don’t get me wrong, kids were amazing and I will cherish the experiences forever. And, it was a decently paid job. But, I don’t have the zeal for it, like some people who are really into it. Like I said to my friend Ivana the other day – If I were to point out the happiest moments of my life in the last two years, not one would include teaching. It’s not that it was horrible but I just didn’t fully feel the passion for teaching. There were some burst of happiness as I really wanted to teach the kids stuff (not to brag, I think they really liked me). But, at the end of the day, when I was alone with my thoughts – the passion just wasn’t there.
On the other hand, the happiest moments were the ones that included photography and living for those clicks. I’ve been into it for ten years now and I am truly thankful to God for the gift of it. Like, to the point of tears. I wish everyone could have a passion for something as I have for photography. I can not imagine my life without it. I’ve always envisioned myself taking photos forever and truly going full time. However, I was confused and scared what others might think of me if I didn’t look for teaching jobs anymore. Most people these days live less for their dreams and more for money. And there is the question of what God wants me to do. I often feel, if I don’t work in school, I’m wasting my profession. I thought I will have to teach for the rest of my life (to get the money) and truly enjoy photography aside. Like, if God set a path, why not following it even though it doesn’t make me fully happy?
Two days ago, I had a conversation with a fellow photographer (and a friend) who was in the same situation as I am. He chose photography. He reassured me that God gave me love for history science. That’s it. Choosing to work in school was my decision as well as choosing the teaching module. And then it hit me. I made a decision.
As you might have already figured it out – from now on, I’m only going to do photography. I will no longer look for teaching jobs and will turn down offers. However, I will do my best to find a way to live the most for history. Photography and history. That’s what I want. Plain old history. I called my mom after I made the decision and got nothing but support. That’s all that matters. Family and friends support me. I know economic situation isn’t the brightest atm, but if I don’t try to go full time into photography, I will regret it. I’m in my 30’s and now it’s the time. My mom said no one can take the diploma away from me and if I decide (highly unlikely, though) to return to teaching, I can always do so. I mean – I can always do so!
Every beginning is hard and scary. I am scared because I don’t have any photography jobs booked and really don’t know where to start. However, I do have my stock business going on and will work from there (and try to amp it up 100%). It wasn’t easy making this decision. I’ve cried non stop about it. If I don’t do it now, I will always wonder what it would be like to truly go full time. I’ve already invested thousands of dollars into equipment and software – just for the love of it. Why not making a business out of it?
The next step is visiting my job adviser and tell her all about it and maybe get an advice on where to start (even locally). I really hope I made the right decision and that photography really is a path to God for me. A path where I can fulfill my love for history, as well. Please, say a little three-word prayer for me. :)
Like I’ve already said, this autumn is for changes. The photos here were taken with the utmost delight as it was after my decision. As the greeny leaves turn gold, I hope my situation does the same (cheesy but hey!). If you have any advice for me, it would be highly appreciated. I’m off to the unknown and it feels scary! God bless!