Until a few years ago, I never really cared about God. I was born and raised Catholic but after I reached the age of reasonable thinking, Jesus was always somewhere there, in the distance. Yes, I kinda believed He existed and sometimes, I prayed but there was always something missing. My faith was dead. My worst mistakes in life were from that time. My worst behavior was from that time. Later, through high school, I started going to charismatics mass services and that is where I first realized and felt Christ is alive and here as much as he was alive and here 2000 years ago. Actually, my mom got me into that. She was growing up in the socialistic political system where Christianity or any religion, for that matter, was not so very welcomed. Her family celebrated Christmas and all but she also never really though of God. Then one day it came to her mind the horrible fact she didn’t even know the words of Our Father. That was a call from above for her. Something change within her and she started praying, dad bought her a Bible, she was thirsty. And along her journey, I hopped on the plane too. But, my return Home wasn’t at that point. I guess I only hopped on the wing, not on the plane. Or, better yet, I was holding onto the tail, in danger to slip away. So, at that point, I realized God was alive but didn’t want to accept the Catholic system. Questions such as Why do I have to confess to the priest, why do I have to go to Church, I can say my sins to God and He will forgive me, … were a part of my spiritual journey at that time. I refused to go the Holy Mass every Sunday and confession, confession what? I lived my life with God but at the same time away from Him. I accepted the ways that fed my ego and refused to see the dirt of the wrong ways.
And so, I lived like that for a couple of years. And then, the third year of my college happened. Because of my lazy, wrong ways where I thought I was the smartest one on the planet, I got myself into the danger of failing a year of college. I got paranoid. I was gonna flunk a year because of the obligatory PE classes that I had to take every semester for 2 years. And in the middle of the 3rd year I was already lacking one year of PE. How was I gonna do a year of PE classes in 6 months? How?! No PE professors were gonna accept me to do a crash course of one semester. The worst thing was the thought of telling my parents I flunk a year because of the PE. Over something that trivial such as PE! (I am not dissing the PE but in our college it is a dread for students because it doesn’t have anything to do with what we study and students still have to go to classes over the two out of 3 years of college) Then the fear came. Horrible fear of feeling alone. Miserable because I knew I was guilty. I didn’t see any hope at that time. God had to let me go to that place. He had to let me suffer fear and anxiety. Because of our free will, He lets that happen. Because it is our free will to say no to Him. People often think that God punishes us. No, our wrong ways do. They just come back for us and we suitably blame it on Him.
Now, where was I? I remember being in my apartment in the capital (where I went to college), crying and being miserable. Then, instead of studying I decided to kill my time and misery on You Tube. And then I came across this video with the testimony of that guy from the band Korn who was a drug addict and literally had a life falling apart. But God revealed Himself to him. He left the band and his life did a 180°. I was really blown away with the testimony. And on that same day while again on you tube I came across of the Croatian version of the song Awesome God. That song struck me. That song gave me hope. That is when I decided I was gonna fight with God by my side. The day after I went to the gym where we had our PE classes to beg the professor there to give me the chance of a crash course of the first semester. She started with the refusal. Then I begged. She said no. I begged again, nope. At that point I was so determined not to stop begging, not to give up. And at last, all I got was something in the lines of Okay, you can come to the next class but I don’t think you would make it. That is all I needed. A chance. A ray of hope. That days were the life changing ones. I read in one book that Christ can’t help you if your sins are still nailing Him to the cross. The confession, that was my next step. No confessing in the silence of my room. A real confession, with the priest. It was an evening Mass and I came early to catch a priest before he started the service. I wrote down everything I remembered, at that point. I wasn’t gonna let anything take away the chance of my confession. It was that moment or never, basically. I confessed. I will never forget my walk, almost run home that evening after the Mass finished, after the Holy Communion and confession. I floated home. I was so happy that it seemed like it was chocking me. From that day, everything changed.
My prayers started to become real and answered. I started praying the Rosary for the little Motherly intermission with Her Son. Hehe. Not only did I finish that PE but a lot early than I thought I would. I finished college and got my bachelors degree and got into grad school that fall. Thankfully,
all I am left with to do now is the thesis, no exams and jazz. (Actually, I am a history professor, now. Hehe) That is all behind me. I mean, the blessings after making peace with Jesus weren’t only related to schooling. I was peaceful. I was free. I wasn’t afraid of dying. I kinda think it’s funny. The PE made me return to God. I mean, God really has a sense of humor! He is not a rigid, angry God but loving and a comedian from time to time. Hehe. I chose His way. Jesus isn’t offering an easy way but the right way. If you decide to follow Him, you will have trials, every day, the bad one wants to destroy your happiness which is your strong relationship with God himself but as long as you have Jesus by your side, who can be against you, really? Hehe. He is not a God who will take your free will. I know there are lot of people who don’t believe in Him. Faith is a gift from God. He will wait for you to come to Him. At first I was trying to change everyone to believe what I believe in but, God doesn’t work that way, I realized. The right thing to do is to love everyone, He will do the rest. I am not saying life has been always bubbly. I am still having my trials, sadness, fears and tears but I am not without a hope otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this. I know He has a plan for me. At the end, all I want to say is: Jesus Christ God Himself loves you more than you will ever know here, on this earthy soil, and more than you can comprehend. Look for Him in your everydays and you will find soul warming fragments of His love for you. Like, He is the coolest! And, if you call out, He will answer. I did. And He did. I dare you.