The thing I’m mostly insecure is my body. Like, I know I have a problem with weight and that is why I rarely post photos of me from head to toe. I definitely count as an obese person (according to the BMI). I’ve been struggling with it my whole life because since I can remember I’ve been a chubby kid. Not once in my life was I thin. Not once. One time I was very close. That was a year before college. But, then I went to live on my own and it all went back. Not even going to tell you what was my highest weight but since then I’ve lost around 30 pounds. And now I’m stuck with it. By stuck I mean I have no motivation, lack of activity and don’t really watch what I eat. I don’t know why I can’t make myself to do something. Why am I so lazy? I try, then it lasts for a month or so and then I go back to my old ways. Another problem is that I keep blaming myself for the years passed and wishing I did something about it that would make my life easier now. Or non-stop over thinking of why wasn’t I one of those thin people who don’t have a weight issue. Why do I have to struggle with it for 27 years now.
I am not saying my happiness depends on my weight or that I’m depressed but it sure effects my self-esteem. Sometimes, I think people think less of me because of the way I look or how they, because of my weight, seem superior to me. Considering me being utterly self concious and shy from time to time I think they are superior to me and that my personality doesn’t count what so ever.
At the end of the day, I know who I am, who I don’t want to be and who I might be. I don’ wanna be hiding behind all of this weight. If I do, I still don’t wanna be a person who thinks less of herself because of it. I don’t wanna be the person who lets down herself and her parents by still not finishing this last university step. Like, I don’t have any exams to finish, I only have a thesis to write. No pressure, no nothing. Just research and writing. I don’t wanna be that person who sticks around her parents’ house by the time she’s 40 and still no job. I wanna find a job and move out within the next 6 months. Not because being home is bad. Au contraire, being home actually feels too good and while being that way it is bad for me. Being home and still eating my parents’ food is keeping me away from the real life. My parents are too good and I know it. And I take advantage of it.
Then, the weight issue. How to get and stay motivated? Like how? Do you guys have any advice in that area? I can only last a month and then I slowly start to go back to my old eating and living habits. But, the process is not that hard, once you are living with it over some period of time. There are times when I think to myself how easy it is and how I don’t want to go back to my old ways. And then something happens and I in second I’m 6 pounds heavier. Jesus, take away my laziness. Life would be so much easier. I trust in Your power and love.
God bless, guys. Sorry for such a long post. You can always just look at the photos which are oh-so-gorgeous. -_-